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I had no idea how epidemic emotional abuse is at the hands of a narcissist. My heart goes out to those of you who are victimized, lost and suffering.
I know – I’ve been there.
Women who are consumed by the narcissists in their lives hire me for my experience, compassion and cutting edge coaching methods. I dedicate myself to all you “over-helpers” and empaths who unintentionally attract narcissists into your lives only to become hurt, resentful, depressed, ill and burned out.
You have so much potential, but by making a career out of being a doormat for narcissists and trying so hard to make them happy, you’ve lost yourself in the process.
Enough!
Put yourself back into your life!
Narcissists will simply disappear when you fall in love with your authentic self. An empowered woman is good for everyone! All those around you will benefit.
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Me Against the World
The narcissistic ego pursues power and status, thriving on success and recognition. Everything must be reflected back to self because there is only the self. Sam Vaknin states, “A narcissist lives in a room surrounded by mirrors, and there are no windows.” Frequently they are high achievers and workaholics, looking so complicated and intelligent on the outside, but inside they are empty and terribly unhappy. The false self seems unable to emotionally enjoy achievements, be spontaneous, silly or playful, because those feelings were cut off and buried with his essential self.
Strong willed and striving for excellence they are usually successful but they pay a high price. Personal relationships and friendships aren’t cultivated because in the fantasy world of the narcissist, they are perfect and complete unto themselves. They put themselves constantly under a lot of pressure, jeopardizing their health. They abhor dependence and like to think they don’t need anything that anybody might have to offer.
Survival
His original caregivers treated him as an extension of themselves so to survive he became what they demanded him to be. He learned early on to do the same, controlling those around him to be what he needed them to be by becoming a “manipulationaholic”. The usefulness of any human being is based on their ability to control and use them. It doesn’t matter who gets hurt, only getting what they want in the moment matters, like a spoiled child. The narcissist does what he wants, when he wants, with little awareness of how his actions affect others.
Everything is Mine
Narcissists do not recognize that others are separate from them. They are oblivious to personal boundaries; therefore everyone is an extension of himself – tools for upholding, mirroring and promoting the ceaseless agenda of his magnificent ego. The world is their playground and we are merely their toys, which they play with in pursuit of their goals. The narcissist writes a script in his head and then finds people to play designated parts. He strategically picks us for how we can best enhance his image and do his bidding. Because he never fully experienced love the way an emotionally healthy person does, he only knows to merge himself with us.
We become the puppets, fully under the manipulation tactics of the master puppeteer to do his bidding. The main role of all the puppets is to uphold and worship his idealized self. We are expected to follow his script with utmost loyalty. Should we dare to have our own opinions or personal interests the narcissist will experience us as a diseased body part, which must be either be battled with, cured or amputated.
Gifts Away
Someone’s birthday, family festivities and Christmas are a nightmare time for narcissists because the main focus is on other people and not them. Be prepared for sabotage and jealous tantrums. Gift giving is of zero interest to them unless accompanied by an agenda. There is no such thing as unconditional love or the joy of giving in the narcissist’s world. They hate to give and they resent us being generous with our time, money or knowledge with others. They just don’t comprehend that it simply feels good to do so.
Always Starving
The narcissist feels unloved and insecure because his capacity to feel real love was abandoned and buried with his real self. He spends his life trying to find ‘”ideal love” in order to stop the pain of his narcissistic wound. This explains how the narcissist goes through people like rolls of paper towels, discarding them after use. They have an uncanny ability to instantly recognize what and who would be of use to them. Finding the ultimate romantic partner or the perfect business associate is like a high. They thrive on the thrill of acquiring a new supply of energy, also known as ‘narcissistic supply’. They are attracted to people who place them on a pedestal and tell them they are magnificent and omnipotent and willing to sacrifice themselves in order to serve them.
As nothing maintains the thrill of newness for long the narcissist is constantly searching for and lining up potential new supply. Not only do they maintain a main source of supply at all times they always have backup supply lined up in a hierarchy of priority. This explains how they can simply walk away from a relationship on Monday as if it never existed and be deep in the next one by Tuesday, with never a backwards glance. They will never leave a source of supply until the next source is lined up.
Boogie Man
The narcissist has a multitude of chess games playing simultaneously in his head. Always calculating and scheming, always with an agenda, they make sure they look out for number one, and only number one, in all possible scenarios and at all times. The world is perceived as fundamentally a dangerous place, survival being up to them.
“I’ll get you before you get me”. They assume we are as devious and calculating as they are because they do not really experience us as separate entities. They feel forever victimized by hostile people who fail to recognize their superiority and they have a visceral reflex to humiliation or criticism. If you wind up on their mental list entitled, “people who don’t respect me”, or you lose your usefulness, you will become non-existent to them. They will wage a personal vendetta or simply erase the person. Because they take everything personally they will pay you back personally. If you are not supporting them then you must be against them. Only black or white exist. It’s a crime if we are not behaving as we should. If you are perceived as a threat you must be punished. They will do anything to regain control over you. They keep score and will hurt you covertly. Paranoia and the ‘boogie man behind the corner’ plague them even in broad daylight. They are totally incapable of separating the world from their own psychodrama. And we think we are the only ones ‘walking on eggshells’.
Emotional Cripple
The range of emotions available to the narcissist seem to all relate to the time period of his narcissistic wound. They tend to have the emotional maturity of a five year old. The narcissist is riddled with rage, pathological envy and jealousy, which make it impossible for him to do anything to make him self or us happy. If we should be joyous or experience a success they will beat us down to get emotional relief. They despise their own neediness for our energy, so they covertly steal it along with our good feelings, which fall into their bottomless pit. Nothing makes them genuinely happy. They are never satisfied and are forever searching for more of everything.
On the positive side they can experience a sort of drug-like high when acquiring narcissistic supply and controlling new people or things. Any other human emotions must first be studied by observing other people. They expend a lot of effort studying our behavior in order to mimic having feelings because they are incapable of experiencing the feelings themselves. That’s why they often appear so unauthentic – they are just play-acting – like robots. It also explains their amazing ability to morph into different roles for the purpose of getting something on their agenda.
Vampire in the Mirror
Narcissists have been likened to vampires. Their constant need for admiration and praise is energy draining for all those in their surroundings. This compulsory adulation from others is like blood for the vampire – it is the nourishment enabling them to exist. They fear they will disappear if they don’t have some one to project onto and constantly share their grandiose ideas with.
A vampire cannot see his own image in a mirror and neither can the narcissist. This is because the Narcissist has worked relentlessly to keep his ‘real self ‘ buried. The reflection in the mirror is a patchwork of personality traits of other people and pictures of products and ideas, which he has built his ideal image from. Everything a narcissist does is to project a certain image to people which they then want projected back. There is no real person to be seen. When a vampire is exposed to light he will die just as the narcissist will cease to exist if his true self is exposed to the light of day. If you’re in relationship with a narcissist you are in relationship with a mirage.
I-MAX Theatre
Remember the narcissist’s banished real self? All those disowned, abhorred, repressed traits have been growing restless and creating pressure in their subconscious, dying to emerge and see the light of day. Narcissists are emotionally immature and haven’t developed the inner resources to process and manage their feelings so they bury them. Therefore they become masters of the defense mechanism of projection. When they get a chance, usually when stressed, these disowned, hated traits pop out and are projected in living color on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in their vicinity.
The very life of the narcissist is dependent on protecting the false self with this strategy. You, the banker, employee or child, are the projection screens for any inner pain, which they don’t want to own.
When their unpleasant, unwanted stuff is projected out there they go about battling with it – criticizing, belittling, condemning and punishing the screens by throwing us their negative energy. They usually have a bout of insecurity at some point during the day and need an outlet. They pull a complaint out of their internal bank account and after they hurt us they regain control of themselves. This gives them relief from the internal pressure for a while but the pain comes back.
Heads I win, tails you lose
Their ego insists they are always right. We therefore, by default, are always wrong. They are expert at setting up every encounter with their ever-changing game rules so that you lose and they win every time. “Heads I win, tails you lose”. They won’t tell you when they’ve changed the entire game either! Expect them to argue, educate and criticize you about any topic you may offer up. Try expressing an opinion of your own and they become incensed and launch a full-on convincer strategy aiming for another win. Their way of thinking is the only right way and their reality is going to win at all cost because their ego depends on it. Should we disagree with them they experience it as a direct attack on their integrity and they will attack back. Out of the blue they will suddenly make up or exaggerate a situation just to start a battle with us when they are hungry for energy. Our reactions are what they feed on. By causing us distress they get to feel significant and important.
Not good enough to not be good enough
The inner critic of a narcissist relentlessly compares their behavior to their illusive standard of ultimate success and perfection. They are never good enough for themselves and neither is anyone else ever going to be good enough in their eyes. They are caustic for your soul and self-esteem because they will never let you feel adequate because they don’t. It’s a life of crazy-making double binds – damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You’ll be requested to do something, only to be criticized for doing what they asked. We are constantly jumping through ever-higher hoops in the hopes of making the narcissist happy. Their harsh judgements only inspires us to try harder to get in their good graces. By constantly raising the bar they set us up for failure in order to continue feeding on our distraught energy. You can never meet a narcissist’s standards. Never.
My Rules, Your Rules
Narcissists create standards, morals and laws for every one around them and they won’t hesitate to harshly judge and criticize the smallest of infractions, which they follow up with appropriate punishment. They themselves don’t respect or follow any of their own rules because they are above the rules. They have their own personal rules, which are constantly changing to meet their personal needs in any given situation.
Married Alone
Forget being in partnership with a narcissist, as they are incapable of having mutual give-and-take relationships. Master to servant or controller to controlee is a better description. Every thing is about their life, their desires, their health, their work, their preferences and their dreams. They expect others to tend to mundane day-to-day chores, as they are too superior to waste their specialness on common things. You can count on the fact that our tending to these things will go unnoticed and unappreciated. Their focus is always on finding fault, criticizing, demeaning and flying into narcissistic rage over a slight infraction. Simultaneously you are told how much they love you and how great and wise and talented you are. You live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance, silently trying to make sense of conflicting realities. The mental anguish of trying to integrate Jekyll and Hyde will consume your energy and deprive you of being present in your life – of even having a life.
The best partner for a narcissist would act like a robot, doing what they want at the push of a button without any opposition or messy emotions.
In-to-me-you-see
It is impossible to have intimacy (in-to-me-you-see) with a narcissist because his essence lies deeply buried behind a mile thick protective wall. It’s said that you cannot really love anyone else more than you are capable of loving yourself. The narcissist abhors his banished true self, therefore he is incapable of ever feeling true love for anybody.
Narcissists are never going to make us happy because they simply can’t care for anyone. They are even incapable of comprehending when they are hurting us, which is why they never apologize.
There can be criticisms, arguments or ice treatments all day but when a narcissist wants sex they want sex now and it really doesn’t matter if we are in the mood. They don’t seem to understand that emotional abuse during the day has something to do with romantic feelings in the evening. You may think you’re making love with the narcissist but he’s just using you as a tool for his own self-gratification.
Peek-a-Boo
If you attempt to look behind his facade you will instantly become the enemy, a threat to the false self, which he has taken great pains to create and uphold. The narcissist will not tolerate having anyone peek behind his mask or challenge his Ego. He will twist and turn, project, confuse, attack and condemn you mercilessly for trying. If you should be so brave as to point out that “the emperor has no clothes”, you will be condemned.
You are having a relationship with an illusion – with someone who doesn’t really exist.
Not Alone Married
With their sense of entitlement, insatiable need to be admired, their lack of empathy and inability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, coupled with their survival need of having consistent narcissistic supply lined up and their ability to convincingly lie and manipulate, they have a hard time being monogamous. Their belief in the perfect love drives them to initially place you on a pedestal, where you can do no wrong and then eventually knock you off when you have ceased to be useful. The next victim will be on the pedestal before you know what happened.
Arsenal
They have played detective and mapped our vulnerabilities, all our insecurities, inner wounds and blind spots. They will mercilessly use this knowledge to push our buttons by doing and saying anything to get narcissistic supply. Those of us closest to the narcissist are sitting ducks and narcissists fight dirty, especially behind closed doors. They continuously create an atmosphere of chaos and confusion, within which it’s easy to knock us off guard and manipulate and exploit us. Beating us down makes them feel powerful.
Flyswatter
Narcissists always have to be one up on us. “Make everyone shorter and I get to be tall”, is one of their favorite games they love to play. Any sign of power from us is interpreted as a threat, and they automatically are impelled to swat us down. Any personal achievement of ours is met with envy and jealously and will inevitably be discredited. Narcissists can’t tolerate others feeling better than them. When we get feeling too happy, too excited, too satisfied, too optimistic, the narcissist will feel compelled to rip that feeling away from us, take ownership and enjoy the emotion himself. Receive more attention than them is intolerable (It’s a good idea to hide on your birthday). Should we complain about having a bad day we will be one-upped by their having had a worse day. Every interaction with another human being is a battle to show his superiority.
Rip the rug out from under you
You’ll be encouraged to assert yourself, succeed at something or do what makes you happy and the narcissist will go to great lengths to make you think he’s sincere. Secretly he wants the exact opposite for you so that you will stay disempowered and under his control. Actually, he is terrified of us standing up or exhibiting any sign of power so be prepared to be sabotaged. A narcissist can’t tolerate being in relationship with a powerful person, privately or in business.
Bulldozer Talk
Narcissists love to hear them selves’ talk. They fear they will disappear if they don’t have some one to project onto and constantly share their grandiose ideas with. Golden Rule: Do not interrupt them or try to talk about something interesting to you. They must control the topic and the flow of information in all conversations. It must be a topic they feel well educated and knowledgeable in, one in which they will bury you in facts and revelations in order to display their superiority and all-knowingness. If the topic doesn’t interest them or they can’t compete with experience or competence then it’s as if the topic does not exist. They will ignore you, ruthlessly change the subject or leave the room.
Invisible Deadly Bacteria
Emotional blackmail is invisible. The narcissist uses it with great amusement believing that, “It is permissible for me to push your buttons to get my needs met, but if you try the same thing, I’ll make sure you will regret your selfishness”. When he makes a demand, either directly or indirectly and we meet it with hesitation or refusal he will threaten to punish our selfishness either outright or very subtly. Being made to feel guilty even before we make a move usually results in him getting what he wanted and us forgetting what we desired.
History Mystery
They remember things that never happened and forget important things that did. They constantly change history to make themselves look great. They literally rewrite it and force it into your mind. Narcissists lie as easily as they breathe because they truly believe the realities they keep creating – past and future. Keeping up with their ever-changing interpretation of events whirls you into confusion and uncertainty. It’s like living life in an antigravity tank and he’s in control of your reality.
Full Steam Ahead
The trail of damage left behind by narcissists is unbeknownst to them. No remorse, no empathy, no comprehension of the devastation of their actions. The responsibility for any chaos, hurt or destruction must be the fault of someone else. They see themselves always and only as the victim. They work hard their entire lives to avoid being accountable for their behavior and expect others to clean up their messes. What is past is immediately forgotten and they march into the future.
House of Cards
Years and years of constructing, inflating and rigorously maintaining their ego self leaves most aging narcissists exhausted, lonely, bitter and depressed. Due to focusing all their power towards constructing and upholding their outer image, relationships with family and friends were not cultivated and their inner world and soul have been neglected. There is no resting for them due to the energy drain of keeping their essential self at bay. When cracks appear in their facade, such as during illness or an accident, their shriveled true self pokes out of their subconscious. Confronted with this overwhelming, awful reality of the monster inside, their ego self comes crumbling down. With the inevitable ageing of the body and without constant adulation and achievements to keep the despised essential self buried, they become desperate, quickly lose energy and begin to die. Most narcissists do not age well.
Death’s Door
Perhaps this is why they are so often drawn to danger, such as motorcycle racing or having unprotected sex with multiple partners. Either they feel invincible and omnipotent or they really have a death wish due to their deep-seated hatred of their essential self.
Stop Feeding
It is excruciatingly difficult to end a relationship with a narcissist. You belong to them, just like their hand, leg or car. If they already have more narcissistic supply lined up then you have a better chance of escaping. They can’t tolerate being alone and are terrified of abandonment so their fear of dying propels them to the next energy source.
Any emotions we have, positive or negative are energy feasts for the narcissist. They thrive on attention – any attention is a source of sustenance. We need to detach and have NO contact of any kind in order to heal and reenergize. All of your attention, energy and caring needs to be directed at yourself in order to end the toxic dance that bind you. You need nothing from the narcissist to do the work of healing your wounds and reclaiming your life.
Don’t Do Doormat
If you decide to continue your private nightmare of being a doormat for a narcissist, agree to simply treat them as a spoiled five year old. Give them, without any expectation of reciprocation, anything they want the minute they want it. Do not expect them to show any appreciation or be the least bit interested in your life. They are only interested in what affects them personally. Give up hoping they will ever do anything that you need or want. They are not going to take ordinary responsibility or be interested in, or take your feelings into consideration. No apology will ever slip through their lips. Be sure to get a lot of sleep because you will be on duty 24/7 – forever. Even if they don’t have a need at the moment they want to know where you are at ALL times. As they are paranoid and in need of continuous confirmation of your loyalty and durability expect to be relentlessly tested through outrageous demands and power moves. Human emotions are of zero interest to them so be prepared to deal with the emotionally damaged humans which they have harvested and left behind.
The narcissist will never, ever grow up so be prepared to nurse him for life or wait to be discarded and added to the heap of your predecessors.
What you see is what you get. If you want to live your authentic life DON’T DO DOORMAT.
Meda Christiani
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