Author: Medabella

Yea! I had just scored a goal for our seminar team! I am having so much fun thrashing around in the water playing volleyball. I hadn’t expected to have time to play while at this personal development weekend. But I‘m enjoying every moment, fully present and in blissful action.

“Meda, I didn’t know you were so competitive. What a surprise”, I hear my coach say.

I freeze.

My heart and breathing stop, body temperature drops.

Shame, embarrassment and guilt surge through me, obliterating the joy I had just been feeling.

“Uh oh,” I realize I’ve been triggered!

I’m at this retreat on a mission to reclaim my true essence qualities, “I’m brave, I’m enough, I’m whole, valuable and lovable just the way I am . . . “

Right now I feel none of that.

I feel the deep, dark holes of ancient wounds and the traumas from my youngest years that formed my negative self-beliefs.

I remember the words of the famous Sufi master, Rumi:

“The wound is the place where light enters you.”

Most of us spend our lifetime skirting around them, pretending they’re not there and doing everything in our power to avoid falling in. But when we are truly committed to our own growth and to our divine mission, we go into the holes allowing the light to enter us.

I leave the pool, determined to dive instead into this inner hole of guilt and shame around being competitive.

I consciously breathe into the feelings, allowing them room, even as I think the deep black hole will go on forever.

In real time it’s just a few minutes, just long enough to get the core feelings. Suddenly I burst through, surrounded by and infused by understanding and holy light.

“Always let the boys win or they won’t like you,” the belief whispers.

Mom definitely led her life that way. She impressed her belief on my tender, young mind.

I realize many coping behaviors I created as a child to repress any competitive urges.

Amenable, cooperative, people-pleaser, being a quiet wallflower, a follower . . .

As soon as the belief becomes visible I am able to transform it. I bathe it in the light of love until the truth emerges.

When I’m being the best me in an abundant world there is no win or lose. I realize that I’m not attracted to a boy living in scarcity and needing to win all the time.

Now I can bring the energy and zest of competition to my life, powerfully enhancing my growth and creativity and fun! I think the boys might find that attractive.

I smile and am welcomed back into the game.

Can you remember a time when you were immersed in the fun of life and it came to a screeching halt with a harmless comment? What holy qualities are buried in your inner holes waiting to be released, reclaimed, loved and lived?

That’s the work.

Reclaiming your holy self.

With a connecting heart,

 

Meda

Inside I feel totally vulnerable, like this destroyed place. Overpowering feelings of being worthless, defective, not good enough, unseen, unheard and despairingly alone fill the photographers lens as I cry out in pain and desperation. Exposed ‘garbage can Meda’ sees the light of day.

This is not a movie set. This is an authentic, smoky remnant of what was once a beautiful location. Charred garden furniture, melted cans, mounds of black wood, hanging wires and horrifying energy surround me.

If it weren’t for the group of supportive women assisting this photo shoot I’d be back home in a flash! But we’re on a mission. I understand and respect this mission and am curious what gifts I’ll find this time.

I’m sprawled on the side of the road in front of this burned down place in my black negligee, which would be embarrassing enough, but worse is that I’m wearing a custom cut Hefty garbage bag covering all of me! I’m the garbage can with long hair! I want to disintegrate.

I’ve just spent the previous day doing ‘wound work’. Dreadful old feelings of being verbally abused, criticized, scorned and stifled were dug up, exposed to the light
so they would lose their power.
Now I’m sitting in dusty ashes ready for the photo shoot to begin.

Click, click, click.
I can’t stand it! As frustration and anger mount, an unstoppable desire to be free over comes me.
With a massive burst of energy I’m suddenly busting out of that restrictive garbage bag. My self-made prison turns into shreds of black plastic, falling and blending in with the burned up background.

Fully in my body, I rise from the ashes like a phoenix, empowered with life force and radiating joyful Goddess energy.

Click, click, click.

I am free!

* * *

Previous wound work helped me identify that I’d spent a lifetime over-helping, self-sacrificing and accepting people’s psychic garbage in the attempt to get as far away as possible from secretly feeling worthless.

Now I discovered that this wound was the driving force, a gift which propelled me relentlessly to understand human behavior – to find a better way of relating – to the extent of becoming a psychotherapist and coach, able to guide others to the freedom I so cherish.

Upon returning from this weekend I had the lowest blood pressure ever! By befriending my inner garbage can identity instead of doing battle with it, my internal resistance melted away. It was exposed to the light and lost its power over me.

Now I embrace and love this aspect of myself. I honor its gifts. It’s safe now to turn the volume down on my over-striving and perfectionism and relax with ease into my feminine body and my joyful life.

I want this for you as well.

I invite you to consider what is possible if you venture into the depths of your inner being and find your unique buried treasures.

The secret life that you dream of is beckoning. The love you crave is waiting for you.

What to do next:

Schedule a free Clarity session with me and find out how to set yourself free.

With a connecting heart,

Meda